The Leadership Skill Everyone Notices: Composure

A few weeks ago, I was watching a discussion on the Golf Channel about composure. The commentators weren’t analyzing a player’s swing or debating strategy—they were talking about what happens when a professional athlete loses control in a very public moment. It got me thinking about leadership.

Because whether you’re standing on the 18th tee, leading a sales team, running a company, or raising a family, composure is one of the most underrated leadership skills we can develop. Not because great leaders never get frustrated, angry, or emotional, but because they understand that every reaction sends a message.

People are always watching. 

They’re paying attention not just to what we say, but how we say it. They notice how we respond when things don't go according to plan, how we handle setbacks, and how we treat people under pressure. 

Long after they’ve forgotten the details of a situation, they’ll remember how we made them feel. That's why I believe emotional regulation is one of the most important skills a leader can develop.

Lead Yourself First

Notice I didn't say emotional suppression. There’s a difference.

I’m not suggesting leaders should never get angry. We all do. I certainly do. I joke that I swear like a sailor. But I’ve learned there’s a time, a place, and an audience for everything. Knowing the difference is part of emotional intelligence.

One of the foundational principles of emotional intelligence is self-awareness. Before we can effectively lead anyone else, we have to learn to lead ourselves first. We have to recognize what’s happening internally before it spills over onto everyone around us.

I learned that lesson firsthand several years ago.

During a company presentation, I accidentally dropped my notes off the podium and, without thinking, said a derogatory term into the live microphone. It was directed toward myself but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t a good look, and it certainly wasn't the example I wanted to set. Several people approached me afterward to tell me how it had landed, and they were right. I apologized immediately because intent wasn’t the point—impact was.

That experience reinforced something I coach leaders on all the time: 

We don’t get to decide how other people experience us. We only get to decide how we show up, and how we respond when we get it wrong.

Remember: Perspective Is Relative

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned came from an entirely different setting. Years ago, my mom and I went through therapy together, and one of the biggest revelations was realizing how differently we remembered the exact same event. Neither of us was lying. Neither of us was wrong. We had simply experienced it differently.

Leadership works the same way.

We naturally judge ourselves by our intentions. Everyone else experiences us through our actions. A comment that feels harmless to us may stay with someone for years. A moment of frustration we forget by lunch might become the reason an employee hesitates to speak up in meetings or loses confidence in our leadership.

We don’t control another person’s experience, but we are responsible for the environment we create. That’s why awareness matters so much.

Process Your Emotions To Stop the Leak

The Golf Channel discussion reminded me of another important truth. Professional athletes perform in front of thousands of fans, television cameras, and countless young people who look up to them. Whether they like it or not, they’re role models.

The same is true for leaders.

Your employees don’t know what happened before you walked into the office. They don’t know about the difficult client call you just finished or the pressure you’re under to hit quarterly numbers. They simply experience how you show up. When a leader lashes out, people remember. When a leader remains calm in the middle of uncertainty, people remember that too.

That doesn’t mean we’re supposed to bottle everything up. In fact, I think that’s just as unhealthy.

Anger has its place. Frustration has its place. We all need healthy outlets where we can process difficult emotions—a trusted friend, a coach, exercise, journaling, prayer, meditation, or simply taking a walk before responding. The goal isn’t to eliminate emotion; it’s to be aware and express it in places where it doesn’t create unnecessary damage.

Because if we don’t process our emotions intentionally, they’ll eventually leak out somewhere else. And they usually leak out at exactly the wrong time.

Your Actions Are Louder Than Words

I’ve seen leaders complain that their culture isn't where they want it to be while simultaneously creating environments where people feel anxious, guarded, or afraid to speak honestly. Then they wonder why engagement is low or why talented people leave.

Culture isn't built by mission statements. It’s built by repeated behaviors.

If we want trust, accountability, and open communication, our actions have to reinforce those values—especially when we're frustrated. It’s easy to model great leadership when everything is going well. The real test comes when things aren’t.

Give Yourself Grace—and Then Learn To Repair

Of course, none of us gets this right all the time. I've made mistakes. You have too. We all have. That’s why another essential leadership skill is learning how to repair.

If you lose your temper, own it. If you say something you regret, apologize. Don’t make excuses or pretend it didn’t happen. Accountability isn’t weakness—it’s credibility. Some of the strongest leaders I’ve known aren’t the ones who’ve never made mistakes. They’re the ones who were humble enough to acknowledge them, learn from them, and do better the next time.

At the end of the day, I believe we’re all leading someone. Maybe it’s an organization. Maybe it’s a team. Maybe it’s your family, your clients, or simply the people closest to you. Leadership isn’t reserved for people with executive titles. Influence exists wherever people are paying attention.

And people are always paying attention.

The next time frustration shows up—and it will—pause before you react. Ask yourself who’s listening. Ask yourself what message your response is sending. Ask yourself whether your behavior reflects the kind of leader you aspire to be.

Because the moment that defines a leader usually isn’t when everything is going well. It’s the moment when everything isn’t. And how you choose to respond is often what people remember most.

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