The Difference Between “I Can’t” and “I Won't”—and the Power of Expanded Belief

One of the most common phrases I hear—whether I'm coaching executives, working with sales teams, or simply talking with friends—is, “I can’t.”

“I can’t make 100 sales calls.”

“I can’t ask for a promotion.”

“I can’t have that difficult conversation.”

Every time I hear those words, I find myself asking the same question:

Can you really not? Or are you choosing not to?

There’s an important distinction between the two, and it’s one that has the power to change how we lead, how we grow, and ultimately how we live.

Now, before you think I’m suggesting we all have complete control over every circumstance, let me be clear: we don’t. Some obstacles are very real. Some walls are built by systems, organizations, or people who have no business building them in the first place. But many of the walls that keep us stuck are ones we’ve quietly built ourselves—and those are the ones we have the power to climb.

The difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t” is often far smaller than we’d like to admit. Here’s how to recognize that difference—and how to challenge your limiting beliefs instead of reinforcing them.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

As leaders, we spend a lot of time talking about awareness. But awareness isn’t just recognizing what's happening around us—it’s recognizing the stories we’re telling ourselves.

“I'm not good at math.”

“I'm not a natural salesperson.”

“I'm just not leadership material.”

Most of us can trace those beliefs back to a single moment. Maybe it was a teacher, a manager, a parent, or a failed experience that somehow became part of our identity. Over time, those stories stop feeling like opinions and start feeling like facts. We stop asking whether they’re true and simply begin living inside them.

One of the biggest shifts we can make is replacing “I can’t” with something far more honest:

“I’m choosing not to.”

That sentence can be uncomfortable because it puts the responsibility back in our hands. Sometimes the choice is completely valid. Sometimes we aren’t willing to pay the price. Sometimes the timing isn’t right. But let’s not confuse a choice with an impossibility. There’s a world of difference between the two.

Why We Stay Where It’s Comfortable

Here’s another truth I’ve learned over the years: people don’t always choose what’s best. More often, they choose what’s familiar.

We stay in jobs that no longer challenge us. We repeat habits that don’t serve us. We avoid difficult conversations because we already know what avoiding them feels like. The familiar can become a trap. So even when we don’t like the outcome, we choose it because it’s predictable.

Growth, on the other hand, requires uncertainty.

If you’re waiting until you feel completely confident before making the move, you’ll probably be waiting forever. That's why I often remind leaders to get curious before they get certain. Certainty isn't the prerequisite for growth. Action is.

Sometimes We Need Someone to Raise the Bar

At LYONSCG, I challenged my sales team to make 100 prospecting calls in a day. They complained. They pushed back. Some were frustrated enough to question whether the expectation was even reasonable.

So we added accountability. If they didn’t hit the activity goal, there would be consequences.

And then something remarkable happened: Within two weeks, they weren’t just making 100 calls—they were exceeding it. The same people who believed it couldn't be done were now proving to themselves that it could.

Later, several of those employees thanked us. Not because we made their jobs easier, but because we helped them discover they were capable of more than they believed.

That’s one of the greatest gifts a coach, leader, or mentor can give someone—not false confidence, but expanded belief. Sometimes we need another person to hold a vision for us before we’re able to hold it ourselves.

Playing Small Doesn’t Serve Anyone

If you know me, then you know I love a sports analogy. One of my favorite moments in the movie Coach Carter comes when a player quotes Marianne Williamson’s now-famous words:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

That idea has stayed with me for years because it challenges one of our most common assumptions. We spend so much time trying to avoid failure that we rarely stop to consider another possibility: what if we’re actually more afraid of succeeding?

Success asks more of us. Leadership asks more of us. Visibility asks more of us. It’s often easier to play small than to risk discovering what we’re actually capable of.

But as Williamson reminds us, “Your playing small does not serve the world.”

When we allow ourselves to grow, lead, and step into our potential, we don’t just change our own lives—we give other people permission to do the same.

The People Around You Matter

This is one reason I believe every leader needs accountability—a coach, a mentor, or trusted friends who remember your vision when you’ve become consumed by today’s frustrations.

Years ago, I set what Jim Collins calls a BHAG—a Big Hairy Audacious Goal. I wanted to build a $50 million company by the time I turned 50. If I'm honest, I didn't fully believe I could do it. That's the point. A BHAG is supposed to stretch you beyond what feels comfortable and challenge you to pursue something you aren’t yet certain is possible.

I didn’t quite hit the number by 50, but I came close. By 51, we’d surpassed it. Would I have accomplished that if I’d never said the goal out loud? I don’t think so.

When you share your vision, you invite accountability. You give people permission to remind you who you said you wanted to become—especially on the days when you’ve forgotten yourself.

Choose Your Next Step

Tony Robbins tells a story about receiving an email he knows is going to frustrate him. He gave himself a simple rule: he can complain, vent, and be frustrated—but only for five minutes. After that, he has to choose: Do something about it. Or let it go.

I love that rule because it reminds us of something we often forget: complaining can feel productive, but choice actually is.

We all have moments when life feels unfair. We all face circumstances we didn’t choose, and yes, some obstacles are very real. But before you say, “I can't,” ask yourself one more question:

Am I truly unable…or am I choosing the familiar over the uncertain?

Awareness begins when we recognize we have a choice. Growth begins when we decide to act on it.

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